More often than not, we have not had our needs met.
As small children, it was generally not considered that our “negative” responses to the world around us (such as getting grumpy or tantrums) were our signals that needs were not being met.
That’s no one’s fault really. Everyone is just doing the best they can with what they know. Even adults of small children also have unmet needs because all adults still have that little one inside.
The little kid that learnt that it’s not ok to say “I just need to stop walking so hastily for a moment and re-centre” or “I need some alone time right now” or “I need a hug”.
Simple things but they require us to be in our bodies enough to notice what is happening, which is challenging when we have been conditioned to continually go unconscious.
From being a kid and having to sit in uncomfortable school chairs and having to suppress one’s desire to be exploring outside, to turning off our feelings at high school when those other kids shamed you for something or someone you liked; going unconscious is a habitual pattern we all are well trained in for our survival.
As adults, we have to re-learn about what we need to fully function at a high capacity in every area of our lives, and that is a development journey. You might be amazing at getting your needs met at work and yet in intimate relating feel totally misunderstood and disempowered.
Or you might be amazing at taking care of other people’s needs but when it comes to your own, you can’t even think of what they may even be and just find yourself walked over.
The journey of discovering how best you function and what you need to do so is an inside job that requires deep listening to self, clear communication and negotiation with both self and those around you.
Your needs can be met. But not unless you are clear on what they are and how you can meet them for yourself if others cannot meet them for you. This requires a deep sensitisation of your nervous system and how to regulate it.
All humans have needs. Deep emotional sensitive needs. I’m not one for promoting a victimised mentality in anything I do and some may perceive this topic to be a bit precious or snow flake like, however, I know that when I’m clear on my needs, my life runs real smooth and I am able to show up and do things with greater presence, love and enthusiasm.
Therefore understanding needs and self-regulation is actually an incredible tool to take you OUT OF VICTIMHOOD.
To expect yourself to know how to do this is not realistic. Like all things in life, your inner and outer relationships require you to invest in them in a greater capacity than what most people are willing to do which is “functional” but not necessarily extraordinary.
To be extraordinary you have to show up in new ways for yourself and for those around you. You have to test yourself, break free of your comfort and what is familiar. You have to fight against the unconsciousness.