2 years ago I sat in circle.
As we dropped into our bodies, I felt gravity pulling me down into the depths of the underworld.
It was like a magnet, so dense my cheek was plastered to the floor.
I was descending but by will.
About a year before that I had my darkest day of suffering. Inundated with shadow, contaminated by my pain consciousness.
It was my birthday and I woke up paralysed.
I lay in bed crying and fading in and out of sleep, the most depressive, hopeless day of my memory.
I will never forgot going to the toilet, looking in the mirror and thinking “I want to kill myself”. It was a pivotal moment of my evolution.
I had no idea where that state came from, but I was deep in the midst of suffering. It was out of nowhere. I was in a trauma response, it was true despair.
It was through that experience that I learnt that it was only through the validation of a persons pain with absolute love that they can crawl back up those stairs from hell. It was through that recognition of all that I was suffering that I was initiated into the feminine healing path for no amount of coaching, fixing or attempting to make things better would work. It was that moment that I realised so much “feminine” work people are doing is a load of shit, including my own ignorance of teaching it because I hadn’t yet been initiated into the true energy of the feminine descent.
Going back to me being in circle…. as I willingly descended deeper than I had ever been, I saw horns grow from my head. They were the horns of initiation, the trophy of the dark, the kinds of horns that can only grow when you have really faced your deepest demons. Like REALLY, there’s no faking, pretending, trying on the horns for the look.
These horns were as real as my bones, they were grand, they spiralled up and shined dark light upon me.
It was that day I acknowledged that I was addicted to my suffering. I loved that place of pain because it gave meaning to my life, it was where I mined my content, my understanding of life. It was where I felt most at home but it was also destroying me because I hadn’t fully submitted to the dark.
But once I did?
Those horns raised me to the heavens.
From then on they kept growing. They gave me courage to change some very big pieces in my life that were out of integrity with my soul. Without those horns, I believe I would still be in those cycles of despair and depression.
As they stretched higher and higher I was tested more and more to claim my dark power in this life while simultaneously integrating all parts of me, a journey that is continuing in this moment, with one test after another.
But the most surprising thing of all? Is that once I touched the sweetness of that velvety underworld without resistance, I was finally able to touch the sky of the rainbow feminine.
I never identified with the light.
The light feminine, light workers, light body.
But then I went up and discovered that my spectrum of play had expanded even more. That through the deepest dark depths I was able to rise up to the lightest of light.
That not only was I able to descend into the dark void, i was also able to expand up to the “light void”. I never even knew the light void existed until I entered it, it threw me by complete surprise….It was light silence. A space where my rainbow body came to life.
If you live your life fearing the death of what you know, you will never attain the gifts of what it is to play in the full spectrum of all that is possible.
And if you over identify with particular aspects of consciousness, you miss what it is to be absolutely everything.
✨ The devotional woman 3 month mentorship starts feb 1st. pm me for more info.
🖤 Image by Daniel Klass